Distractions, Frustrations, and Losing Yourself.
Don’t you just hate it when you can’t focus on what you need to? Having your mind filled with thoughts that shouldn’t be there, or being distracted by something that shouldn’t matter anymore? Having to think about what should’ve been or could’ve been. Or what would’ve been. Over thinking to the point where your mind becomes a wreck and you end up not thinking at all?-just going blank. So you lay your head down and just think to yourself, “Why me? Why now?”
We all seek such different things, and when I’m gone, that’s when you realize what I actually meant to you.
I’ve been feeling a great deal of numbness wash over me lately. Not in a way as to drown me, but I think more as to cleanse all the unnecessary emotions that trouble me. I haven’t decided yet if this is for my benefit or not. But numbness, good or bad, takes away your sense of fulfillment, and it has made me feel devoured, chewed up into unrecognizable pieces that are hard for me to distinguish and link back together. It also takes away my anger. Or rather, conceals it. And in a way, it feels good to not be so mad at the world anymore, but I can’t get past the feeling that it’s still there, tucked inside the depths of my being. But just like how every feeling has its consequences, numbness too has its own fallouts. And I believe I’m one of them. I’m the downfall. So I suppose I’ll embrace this temporary release now. Because I believe that emptiness leaves more permanent marks on you over all the other feelings out there. That in the beginning it may seem beneficial, but its aftermath can leave you severely and achingly wounded. So I shall bury myself in my scars and hope that time really heals everything.
This insane idea of being in love and so wrapped and attached up in someone is complete blasphemy. Please let me just blame all these stupid things I’ve read, all these stupid movies I’ve watched, all these stupid thoughts that I fear I’ve got congealed my brain. That’s my excuse. All this media I’ve been so attracted to, in beliefs that it may someday become reality. I place my blame in media as my scapegoat in dire need of something to grasp onto in this gaping hole of a world I so deeply believed in.
“Kids these days are growing too fast.” “Our generation sucks.” “The innocence is lost.” Blah blah fucking blah. Don’t forget, who were the ones who raised us? The way I see, each generation has their own faults. True, I do believe that the younger kids are trying to become older by drinking, doing drugs, and partying when they’re only in middle school. I do think that people are trying to grow up too fast and don’t seem to appreciate the wonders of being a kid. But on the plus side, this generation has become more open-minded. Unlike the more older people, we don’t look at people who are gay/lesbian as a different species. We don’t even pay attention to that type of stuff. However, I do notice younger teenagers claiming to be ‘bi’ or ‘lesbian/gay’ because, in their perspective, it’s the hype. I don’t know about you, but I don’t understand why some people think of a certain type of sexual orientation as a hype. It seems like the media portrays mostly the bad side of our/each generation, and because of that, most of the older people get a biased idea about us. We’re young and naive, yes. But we’ll grow up eventually.
Honestly, I think each generation can say the same exact thing about the generation that follows it. Our parents were our age once, they know what it’s like to be a teenager. They know what it’s like when it comes to sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. Look at the 90’s. Look at the 80’s. Dude, look at the 70’s. What makes you think this decade will be any different?
If you hold my pupils with your eyes long enough, I’ll let you have my lips. And it won’t be so quick and hesitant because I know you’ve held my tears. If you hold me at night, between the silence and against the walls long enough, I’ll let you have your way with me. But it has to be long enough, so I know that physicality isn’t all that you want.
Why? Because one person has the power to make or break your day. They have the ability to make you smile, laugh, and even cry. One person can have so much to hold over me. I’m vulnerable. And for me, that’s a scary position to be in.
Reminds me of someone
Words to keep inside your pocket:
- Quiescent - a quiet, soft-spoken soul.
- Chimerical - merely imaginary; fanciful.
- Susurrus - a whispering or rustling sound.
- Raconteur - one who excels in story-telling.
- Clinquant - glittering; tinsel-like.
- Aubade - a song greeting the dawn.
- Ephemeral - lasting a very short time.
- Sempiternal - everlasting; eternal.
- Euphonious - pleasing; sweet in sound.
- Billet-doux - a love letter.
- Redamancy - act of loving in return.
| — | Unknown (via venebelle) |
